I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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