I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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