Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
All I want is dick and wine.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
