Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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