call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
