my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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