Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
