some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
