You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
