Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I need to calm my uterus...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
