Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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