im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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