I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
