Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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