turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
