I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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