We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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