I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
