I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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