I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
two words: eviction party
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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