Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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