I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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