Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
