so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
