I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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