I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
