Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
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