I got chris browned last night
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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