i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
