You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
