I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
