i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
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