conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
