Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
