You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
