Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Four minutes until I can fart!
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
