i wish my penis had a tongue
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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