the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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