I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
