we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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