Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
No subtext here. People are naked.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
