Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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