So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
