just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
