Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
