my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
