I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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