Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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