hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
