if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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