I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
