nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
