I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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