in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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