omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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