He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
