I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
