I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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